


The Letter

by Bag_of_Crazy



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Forgiveness, Gen, Heartbreak, Love, Regret, Revelations, Self-Doubt, just walk away, there's no smut here
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-11
Updated: 2019-11-19
Packaged: 2020-10-14 18:06:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 21,868
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20605061
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bag_of_Crazy/pseuds/Bag_of_Crazy
Summary: Set after the end of Season 6, Clarke gets some things off her chest





	1. The Letter

They were getting ready to split up again, Bellamy and Echo had a new plan with Gabriel and would be going to try to save Octavia while the rest were going to try and rescue Jordan from the believers of Sanctum that still remained. Both plans were shaky though, not unlike most of their plans in the past.  
“Clarke, are you ready?” Bellamy saw the tell-tale signs of the strain she’d been under and recognized the signs of her lack of sleep, but they needed to be on the same page if it was all going to come together.  
“Yeah, no of course, just worried like usual” She was trying to hide her feelings from him, again. “Let’s get going guys, Jordan needs us” Her group stood up and left the tent one by one, setting off for Sanctum once more to get Jordan back and end the rule of the Primes once and for all. Another battle in a long list of battles that would surely end in the deaths of so many. She started to regret having stayed up so late last night trying to write a letter to Bellamy. She wasn’t sure how much more her luck would hold out. She had survived so many battles that she wasn’t sure the odds were still on her side. She had needed to get it out though. The words that needed to be said. She hadn’t been exclusively direct in saying what she needed to. Not until the end of the letter. She hoped that she would have a chance to give it to him someday. Not die on the battlefield today as she thought she might. She thought about the letter they would find in her pocket when she was dead and was comforted by the fact that at least he would know. She didn’t move to it thinking that somehow it would give her away too soon, that she had a secret tucked away in her pocket. She decided though that if she lived out the day, she would give it to him. She might leave afterwards but she would do it. She would be brave enough to tell him everything.  
“Good Luck and see you soon” Bellamy reached for her one last time and whispered their customary parting prayer, “May we meet again” As they hugged, she responded in kind “May we meet again” a small and anxious smile played across her face a she turned and headed out with the others.  
“Gabriel, how much longer until we can get started?”  
He responded, “A little over an hour and we should be ready, do you want to go over the plan again while we wait?”  
Just then, Bellamy spotted some folded paper on the floor where Clarke had been sitting, his name he could see written clear across the section facing him. “Actually, give me a few minutes, I have something I gotta do first.” He picked up the papers and left the tent, Echo looking at him as he left but not following him. He unfolded the papers and found it was a letter addressed to him….  
Bellamy,  
I have no idea why I am writing this letter; I just know that I need to. I have a story to tell you, a fairy-tale really, of a child Princess who fell to earth with 99 children and a Prince who had disguised himself as a Knight. The Princess fell in love 3 times. The first was a young love, a childish and selfish love but a pure love just the same. It was a love that could not possibly last. But he hung on so tight that he lost his grip on her and she slipped through his fingers like water. He went mad and in so doing, took many innocent lives during his angry tirade. His punishment would be a death of inconceivable torture and she could not bear the thought of it. She took his life in as gentle a way as she knew how to prevent the torture he would be forced to endure while dying. In so doing, she would prevent the destruction of her kingdom and all its inhabitants, she thought anyways. The second was the Queen that had ordered the death of her first love. She did not know why or how it happened as she had hated the Queen with all she had in her to hate. Maybe they were kindred spirits, leaders who would sacrifice the few to save the many. Under the darkness covering the Queen, there was something vulnerable, something that existed only for the Princess. That love, like a bonfire, burns bright and hot but only for a short time. No less true and pure than the first love but short lived as had been the first. It was a cursed love that would not be accepted by the Queens people. The people could see that the Princess was changing the Queen in ways they did not recognize and they rejected her for it. The Queen, would not let the Princess go. She thought that she could convince her people that the Princess was good for them all, but in the end, she was killed by her closest advisor and confidant. It was unintentional but the Queen was no less dead. Now the Princess was scared to love anyone as she might be the cause of their untimely death. How could she allow herself to be loved by anyone after all the horrors she inflicted on everyone she was close to? She would not see love again until too late. The third and most powerful love was the Prince that had disguised himself as a Knight. They clashed at first like fire and water but eventually learned how to exist in the same place and time, working together to keep their people as safe as they could. It didn’t always come out the way they wanted but they always worked best when they were together. No matter how many awful, horrific things she did to save their people, he always found a way to forgive her. Only a true Prince of the people would be able to forgive her as he always did. While forgiveness is one thing, would he ever be able to love her the way she had grown to love him? She was thinking with her history of love, she could not afford to lose the one who would stay by her side no matter what. She boxed up her love and kept it closed away in the chambers of her heart. Much too late she would learn that she had betrayed herself by denying her heart. As the Prince disguised as a Knight flew back to the skies, leaving her behind, her heart began to die. The box of love still stowed away. Luckily, she found a lost child. A child that would teach her how to open her heart again, but still she kept the box closed and stashed away in the secrets of her heart. The Prince and the Princess were separated for 6 achingly long years. When he returned, he did not know of her existence right away, he had thought she was lost to the world and had mourned her long ago. He had found a way to move past the life they had once existed in and filled his heart with love that was for another. When he found her alive, he saved her once again. All she could see was that his heart was filled with love for another. The box she had tucked away began to break wide open only now, the Princess was being selfish again. She had tucked it away for so long that she had forgotten to nourish it with the love for the child she had found. After all, love needs love to grow. She became angry with the Prince, forgetting that he couldn’t possibly know or understand why. She had never told him of her love for him. She didn’t ever think he could feel that way about her anyways but as I said, too late she realized that love needs to be shared. Even if it is not returned. In her anger, she left him behind to die. He survived and without any real cause, he forgave her. How could he do such a thing for someone who had become so broken as the Princess had. She had been so lost without him and here he was again, shielding her as best he could. A Prince of the people, disguised as a Knight, a Knight in shining armour.  
There is more to the story, though I think you know the rest. Tomorrow morning, we will be separating again and I am not sure how well I will do without you. I want to do better for Monty. Monty and Harper lived their lives best I think and we couldn’t even do the one thing they asked of us. Looking after Jordan should not have been as hard as this. He was right though, Sanctum did have peace before we got there, but at what cost. The Primes were serial killers who sacrificed their own people so that they could live on indefinitely.  
There were so many times in the past that we could have chosen differently. Maybe even better than we know but there never seems to be any time to find the better choices. Anyways, tomorrow we go on separate missions to save who we can save and of course there is always a chance we will be killed. I want to be brave and say the words that you deserve to hear. Not because I think you will or even can do anything about it but I need to say it. If even to myself. I am Sorry. I know it is impossibly unfair and selfish of me. I know you love Echo and that this won’t change anything for us but:  
I Clarke Griffin, Love You Bellamy Blake.  
I have loved you long before I knew it and I will love you for the rest of my days. I do not love you the way I love my parents or Madi. I do not love you the way I love Raven, Monty, Harper or any of our other friends. I do not love you the way I loved Finn or Even Lexa. I love you in the way that I would have wanted to spend the rest of my life by your side. Maybe build a home together. Have children together and grow old together. I love you in the way a heart aches when its been split into 2 halves and separated. I love you in the deepest parts of my soul. I am not really sure that I can accurately assign words to describe it, they would never be enough. My love for you is beyond my or anyone’s ability to measure.  
Perhaps I will be brave enough to give you this letter. Maybe I will be brave enough to say it to you out loud. More than likely I will be a coward and you will never know any of these words. Maybe I will burn the letter when we are all safe again. Then again, if I die, maybe this letter will find its way to you. I know that I have already asked too much of you but maybe just a little more? If things do turn bad, take care of Madi for me please, all of you who survive this day. I have always taught her that all of you were the heroes of our stories and that you were my family and that you would love her as I do.  
Love always, Clarke Griffin, Partner and Co-Leader of the 100 delinquents from the Ark.  
Bellamy stared at the words on the letter for what seemed like an eternity. He didn’t realize during his reading he had begun to cry, weep really as the tears flowed almost silently. He gently folded the papers up and was trying to put the letter in one of his inside pockets when Echo had come to find him.  
“Bellamy, what’s wrong?” She asked him, full of concern as she could see the streaks on his face from the tears that had been falling.  
“I don’t, I’m not sure what to say” He was at a loss for words. All those years on the ring, mourning her as she was surely dead having been left behind to the destruction of Praimfaya. All the memories came flooding back to him of the early days, weeks and months on the ring. He had mourned and took his time getting past it, hating Echo especially for being the one that made it up there instead of Clarke. It took 3 years to forgive Echo her sins on earth and still longer to become friends and then lovers. “I don’t think I was supposed to read this but it was just there on the floor and it was addressed to me and so I did.” His voice still cracking with unshed tears.  
“Bellamy, what are you talking about?” Even more concern in her voice now.  
“Clarke wrote me a letter telling me how she felt and still feels about me, things I never knew. Now I have no idea what to do. I wasn’t supposed to read it, not yet at least and now I have to get Octavia back and I can’t think and I don’t know what to do and I don’t know how to feel!” He started to lose control just a little and had begun to raise his voice.  
Echo was hoping that she could stem the tide from this suddenly emotionally crippled man. He couldn’t be thinking about this right now so she steeled herself and proceeded the only way she knew how. “You read something private that Clarke wrote. She didn’t give it to you right? so it’s none of your damn business, am I right? At this moment, your sister needs you to be on point and ready to do what needs to be done. So, the question is, are you going to wallow in something that isn’t even a reality for you yet or are you going to get up and march onward toward our goal?” She was a warrior first and foremost. “I love you Bellamy but whatever it is that’s going to happen between you and me or Clarke and you can wait until this is done. We can deal with this later when ALL of us are safe again” She turned around and marched back into the tent where the final preparations were taking place. He didn’t see that she was choking back any trace of the tears that threatened to fall.  
Echo knew that they would be over when they all came back. If there was a chance for Bellamy to be with Clarke, she wouldn’t stand in the way. She wouldn’t be a second choice. Competing with the ghost of Clarke Griffin was hard enough, if the living Clarke Griffin wanted Bellamy then she would not, could not compete with her.  
He took a deep breath and followed her back into the tent, he knew that Echo would be leaving him when all this was done. She had to share Bellamy’s heart with a ghost which would have been okay as long as she had stayed a ghost and out of reach. Now she would not allow herself to share the love of a man that finally had a chance to be with the love of his life. The thought of hurting Echo was excruciating to say the least and he could hardly bear it. She was there for him when he was finally ready to be put back together. Surviving their battles would not be easy if he kept all this in mind. He had to focus on the challenge in front of him so he wiped his tears away and committed to going forward. There was no more time.


	2. The Story

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Her story from the time they left the ring the first time up til they came to Alpha.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here is how Clarke sees things. Very little dialogue

The Story  
It wasn’t long before they had discovered that Jordan had been compromised by the Primes “Adjustment Protocol” So they set about making plans to both rescue Octavia and Jordan from their respective “traps” They were just finishing up making plans and dispersing for the night. Everything would have to wait at least until the next morning to get started and everyone needed to be rested at least. Gabriel approached Clarke who seemed to be set apart from everyone else that had come from Earth.  
“Clarke, mind if I join you for a while?”  
She nodded and moved over to share the bench with him.  
“So, I know it seems nosey and maybe a little presumptuous of me but can I ask what your story is?” He kind of smiled sheepishly and went on. “I mean, a couple days ago, you were lying on that table over there, and for all intents and purposes you were dead. And Bellamy was completely and utterly desperate for you to survive. He literally willed you back to life in a way I have never seen before. I loved Josephine for over 200 years and I am not sure I could compare what I felt for her to how he seems to feel for you. And now, he is outside with Echo, who I understand is his actual girlfriend?” Can you fill me in on what I am sure is a hell of a tale?”  
Clarke was a little skeptical at his description of those events. “Wow, I am not even sure I understand what your talking about but I can tell you the story of what happened to us on Earth” She was a little hesitant but he seemed interested and a whole lot confused so she decided to tell him all about their great adventure.  
She went through it all. Starting with the Ark and its problems, their harried descent to the ground and then the discovery of people. She went through the all the trials and tribulations of the ground from her point of view, at least how she saw things and he listened intently. He found it curious the way people had reverted to a previous state of clan style society. It was certainly different than the way he had left Earth when he was a young man to join the Eligius 3 mission. It had occurred to him that perhaps they had mis-understood the whole blood must have blood theme, suggesting that it was the “flame” that needed the host to have black blood in order to be integrated. He was very interested in everything she told him and didn’t seem to judge her for all the bad choices she had made. She told him of what had happened to her best friend, Charlotte and her compromise with Bellamy to lead the 100 kids together. A partnership that was born of necessity. He was impressed at how they had come to a mutual understanding of what needed to be done. She even told him about how she had made her first close up kill after being kidnapped and forced to help a dying grounder child after the bridge had been blown up. The subsequent escape and then closing the drop ship door while Finn and Bellamy were outside and burning alive what she later learned were 300 warriors. He just nodded thoughtfully as she told the story as she saw it.  
When it came to the aftermath and what happened in Mount Weather, he was really interested in how they were going to handle that. It seemed to him that they were up against insurmountable odds. He was amazed at her resolve and determination to escape from there. At times he was sad for her, like when she told of what happened with Finn and how she had to make a choice. Finn for the lives of her people. She had sacrificed the one for the many, in so doing, she saved him from the unimaginable suffering he would have been put through. A mercy she thought, for him, the boy she had loved. She told him of the days that followed, the plans that were made, the bombing of Ton DC (he mused at how the name Washington, DC had morphed over time into Ton DC) and was shocked to know that she hadn’t warned anyone about it including Octavia, Bellamy’s own sister. He didn’t say anything though. There were no gasps at the horror of it all and still no judgements for what she had done. She kept on and explained how she had then told Bellamy that he should go. That she was being weak before. It had never occurred to her before that what she was really saying before was that she loved him and that was why she didn’t want to lose him. It did not escape Gabriel’s notice. She continued right through the betrayal of Lexa and the grounders. She would have to find another way. Which she did. He barely raised a brow when she told him about having to pull the lever with Bellamy and flooding Mount Weather with the radiation that killed them all. Everyone in the mountain that didn’t have the treatment, the women, the children, the innocents. Her shame. And how she left in the end because she couldn’t face them. The survivors. She bore it so they didn’t have to.  
He seemed a little surprised when she told him about her isolation, discovering her bisexuality, her hate and then desire and finally her love for Lexa. What happened with the Queen of Azgeda, her death, Lexa’s death and her and Bellamy being on opposite sides of the diplomatic coin. Her world in constant turmoil even though they were at peace, or trying to be anyways. He was somehow not shocked about Bellamy’s turn to the dark side so to speak with the slaughter of the warriors that had been sent to protect Arkadia’s camp. It was all such a huge mess and they didn’t really have any answers or even reasons why things were turning so bad. And then she got to Allie and the “City of Light” The AI that destroyed the world because it was overpopulated. An “Aha” moment for Gabriel when he realized the connection to the mind drives that the Primes had come to rely on to keep resurrecting themselves. Everything is connected in one way or another, you just have to have all the pieces to put it together. This challenge was difficult for her. Ripping everyone away from the city of light, destroying Allie even though the people that existed there were at least content if not happy. She felt that she had to do it though. Pull the switch, shut it down and destroy it all. If everyone knew at the last minute what she had found out, would they choose to stay or leave the city to fight once again, tooth and nail, for their very existence? What would they choose? How could she choose to take it away, what was her right? More grief, more choices that were impossible to make and more death. The bodies piling up higher and higher. Where would it end.  
She had made so many mistakes, she was only 18 and had already made more life and death decisions than most people three or more times her age. Not coping had become her coping mechanism. Fighting for her people became her only motivation to continue existing. After all, if not that then what had she done so many horrible things for? How could she keep living with that? She went through it all, leaving nothing she could remember out. Praimfaya and the impending radiation storm. Lying to everyone about how they would survive. The defunct bunker they found, almost losing Bellamy to Roan, the deal, losing the Ark, everything. The truth of it all baring her very soul to a man she barely knew but wanting him to understand. She allowed herself no comfort in omitting any of her sins. She had little to offer in the way of her own salvation. She even went so far as to tell all of the truth about the nightblood solution and the brutality of the experiment. How she had considered not for a short while to run the experiment on Emori after the first failure. Only a small redemption for injecting herself with the solution. She would bear it so that no one else would have to. And then the discovery of the bunker under Polis. The deception to take it and then the conclave to decide who would live. She left nothing out here either, including locking out the clans in order to ensure the survival of the human race. That one was the most difficult to relay. She had pointed the gun at Bellamy and prepared to shoot him. His declaration that she would have to kill him had broken her resolve. Remembering her humanity just in time. Of course, it may not have been the best decision for the human race but it was what was right. The rescue mission to save Raven and then the decision to go back to the ring. Not an easy decision but the only choice they had left if they were going to survive the destruction of praimfaya. And then the unthinkable. She knew she would die trying to save her friends as they shot off into space. She would somehow get that damn satellite working. She would die but they would live. And then she didn’t die.  
She roamed for a couple of months, each day calling Bellamy on the radio. Then she found Madi. A new focus. A reason to keep living. She didn’t think he could hear her on the radio even though she kept trying everyday. So, worrying about them and how they were doing became less important to her. Keeping her and Madi alive was her primary reason for continuing to live. She passed the time, telling her stories of her people and what happened to them and what would happen when they came back. She had hope. And every day, she called Bellamy. Time passed and then the five years were up. Still nothing. During that time, they had tried to dig out the bunker but there was a ton of debris on top of the doorway, there was no way they were going to make any progress. She would just have to wait for her friends, rather Raven and her big brain, to come back with a solution. But Six years passed.  
“I was getting pretty desperate at this point, a little frustrated that they hadn’t made it down yet. I thought for sure they could see the valley of green from the ring and would have come down by now. Instead, an Eligius IV drop ship with Gagarin Prisoner Transport written on it came down instead. Then the fighting and the surviving started all over again.” She admitted to firing the first shot. She was sure that when they came out waving their guns around that it wouldn’t be good news for her and Madi. She told him about being captured and that Bellamy had bargained 283 lives for her freedom and their help to open the Bunker. And then all the mess of the bunker. She had nothing to do with that but damn, they found a way to survive. She told him about her drive to get back to her home and what was left of it. She saw how her friends had all become a family and how she didn’t seem to fit into that. Her plan to give Octavia to Diyoza, alive or dead, didn’t really matter to her as long as she could get her and Madi home safe and sound. She would live with those terms, but she would live. Bellamy betraying her was a little bit of a surprise to Gabriel it seemed, at least his eyes got very wide while his eyebrows reached for the sky. She told him about the flame in Madi’s head and leaving Bellamy to die in the fighting pit. Her near death experience at Echo’s hands while Raven sat there and watched. How she struggled back and forth with trying to secure safety for her and Madi. In the end, she finally came through but the struggle had cost her everything she thought. And then the final destruction of the world and their ascent back to space. She told him about Bellamy forgiving her. She had no real idea why except that he had told her that the commander had ordered him not to be. She did think it was strange but also that she wasn’t sure she deserved his forgiveness but it did it kept her from falling apart. And then the big sleep. 125 years in total and a very long journey to Alpha. Waking up to Jordan and then seeing Monty’s message.  
She waited a minute for Gabriel to catch up. He took a deep breath and then, “Wow, not quite what I would have expected but that was an incredible story” She could tell he wasn’t sure how to process it all. Who would really? “So, then you came to this god forsaken moon and thought that you could start over? Looks like that plan fell through.”  
“Well if you mean we didn’t expect to be attacked by insects and then each other, that sounds about right.” She filled him in on the pieces that were missing for him. The dinner, and the rejection. Saving Delilah and the Primes finding out about her blood. Hiding Madi’s blood from them and getting turned into a host anyway. How she had survived the process which he was very curious about as of course, no one had ever survived it before. And of course, Bellamy discovering that she was still in the brain and alive. His fight to free her and get her back. Fighting with Josephine over control of her mind and body was fascinating for him. He laughed a little at some of the things she told him. He was thoughtful about some of the memories of him that had to be dumped in order for both to survive just a little longer. Bellamy actually rescuing her but then the horror of what came next. Losing her mother and what was happening to Madi was almost unbearable. Having to sacrifice the person that used to be her mom in order to save the people was excruciating. Sacrifice. Again. Almost killing herself to make Madi fight back against the evil inside her was even more excruciating than losing her mom. She won in the end and the flame was removed and destroyed. Pieces of their past destroyed in the blink of an eye.  
“But now you know the whole of it. That’s my story. So how do you feel about the monster that sits before you?”  
Gabriel blinked and breathed a great sigh. “Clarke, do you believe you deserve to be loved? Have a life, grow old and be happy? From where I am sitting, having listened to your story, I think you deserve those things but I don’t think you think so. You have endured through so many hardships and atrocities and still managed to survive not only your own judgements but the judgements of others. The decisions you had to make were choices you should never have had to make. The choices available to you were all so limited and ranged between nothing good and so much worse. When you have nothing but terrible choices, you can only make bad decisions. Through all the choices forced on you and the bad decisions that you and your small group of friends had to make, you managed to survive. I think that is worth something. There is something else too.” He hesitated before continuing, a little like he was scared to say what he was thinking. “Have you and Bellamy ever actually told each other how much you love each other? Throughout your story I kept thinking that the one constant was that you love each other and would do anything for each other? Do you even see what I have seen? Like I said at the beginning, he literally willed you back to life as tough he was not going to accept anything less. I have been alive and in existence for longer than almost anyone else and I can tell you that if he doesn’t love you then I don’t know what love is. Tell him, a person always deserves to know they are loved.”  
She stared at him wide eyed filled with awe at his words. After a few seconds, she finally answered “no, I have never told him and he has never said as much to me. I have felt for so long that I didn’t really deserve it so I just never said anything. It took so long for me to recognize it that when I did, I thought it too late and he was in love with someone else so I just didn’t say anything.”  
“Fair enough, but loving someone isn’t the same as being in love. Bellamy loves Echo but he is not in love with her. He is in love with you. I have seen the way he has looked at you and the way he has looked at her and there is no comparison. You are the light in his eyes. You should tell him how you feel so that he can tell you how he feels.”  
Clarke bit her lip and breathed a great sigh the way Gabriel had a few minutes earlier. Do you have any paper and something to write with?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Torturous and tedious but I hope you like it anyway


	3. The Truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gabriel confronts Bellamy. He's a sucker for a love story. This is how Gabriel sees things but he doesn't just pussyfoot around the issue like all their friends. He drives it home with a bulldozer.

The Truth  
They were just finishing up for the night, two plans, two teams, two missions. They had spent hours going over the plan A’s then sorting out plan B’s and so on. They had no way of communicating back and forth between the two mission teams so they had to have main plans, back up plans, contingency plans and plans to back up those plans. To bring the end of the Primes once and for all would be tough. Especially because they had innocent people still left in Sanctum. Children even that were hidden and protected during the “Adjustment Protocol” They had been brought back from Ryker’s keep by now and would mean things would be “difficult”. Certainly, no easy choices here.   
Trying to figure out how to get both in and out of the anomaly with Octavia and possibly Diyoza was an even bigger challenge. Finding volunteers for that mission was nearly bust though. Bellamy, Echo and a few children of Gabriel had stepped up. After some discussion between Clarke and Bellamy, they decided that splitting up to work on both missions would be the best choice.   
Gabriel was kind of in awe at the two of them and how they seemed to just know what the other was thinking. He and Josephine had loved each other for so long and so deeply that he didn’t think that he would ever see anything that could compare. He now thinks, knows he was wrong. After witnessing how Bellamy was not only willing to go to the end of everything to save Clarke was inspiring. He was sure that their love surpassed anything he had ever or would ever see. Even after he saved Clarke's life in an act of what he thought was sheer will, he was willing to destroy Sanctum and everyone and everything in it to get retribution for what the Primes had done to Clarke. He seemed fierce in his intent to stop the Primes, or the few that were left, from doing any more harm to anyone, not just his people.  
It was getting late and he could tell that not just a few needed to rest. The Children of Gabriel had already retreated to their own encampment and would return at first light to get things moving. He looked for Bellamy and Clarke to get the rest sorted for the night and noticed that they were at separate locations in his ramshackle camp. Clarke over in the corner by herself. Strange. Bellamy was closer so he approached him first.  
Gabriel walked over to Bellamy and his small group. “Bellamy, it seems like it’s a good time to make a few sleeping arrangements. I think there will be enough if most of you are able to double up. I know its not ideal but you and Clarke can have the cot I set up behind the bank of monitors over there.”  
Bellamy looked a little sheepish and there were a number of eyes belonging to his “family” on him as he slowly moved away before responding. “Actually, Clarke and I are not together. Clarke and I have never, well we aren’t, um, that way, with each other. Echo is actually my girlfriend.” Suddenly avoiding eye contact with anyone.  
Gabriel was more than a little confused as Bellamy’s manner during any interactions he had seen him have with Echo seemed less than that of a couple. At least, that is what he thought. He had scrunched up his face in confusion over the information and even though Bellamy seemed reluctant to continue, Gabriel pressed on anyways. “Wow, just a few days ago, I witnessed what I thought was the only other couple, or rather man, to love a woman as much as I love (he paused and bowed his head for a second) loved Josephine. When she came back to you, she looked at you with a love that can only be described as a reflection of your love for her. You’re not seriously suggesting that you don’t love each other, are you? Have you ever told each other what you feel?”  
Bellamy sighed with the weight of Gabriel’s observance. “Actually, we have never talked about anything like that. We have said that we mean a lot to each other but never actually said all that actually entailed. I never thought she felt that way about me so I never said anything to her. I’m not particularly fond of rejection. I sort of tried a time or two but I didn’t quite say it right or maybe at all. The other time, I got interrupted before I could get anything out. Timing I guess or lack of it. There’s always been something more important, saving our people, saving the planet fighting for our lives. It has been constant.”  
“Bellamy, I have learned that life is precious. It is made so because it can end in the blink of any eye. But that is as it should be, otherwise, what is all of this for? Tell her. You should tell her because the people you love should know that you love them. People who love you should tell you. You were ready to destroy Sanctum for her, ready to kill for what the Primes did to her. So, what now are you waiting for? I know you probably love Echo but, is she really the person you want to be with, the person you want to be with the rest of your life? Better to break a heart instead of betraying all of your hearts. Maybe you don’t want to take the risk of ending up alone?” Funny, I didn’t think you were the cowardly type. Do it and soon. Time, and tide waits for no man.” An old earth saying from long before his time. He finally thinks he understands the saying. With a small smile of encouragement, Gabriel gave him a smack on the back as he moved away, headed off in Clarke's direction. He was certain he wasn’t going to get any further with Bellamy tonight. Clarke might be more receptive, given how tired she looked. He seemed to feel compelled to get his nose in their business for some reason. Not too sure why really.  
Things were happening and he needed to focus. His head was swimming, maybe he just needed to rest for awhile. He retreated back to the “family” group to get things sorted for sleeping arrangements. His feelings would have to wait. He was sure Echo was going to ask him about the discussion he just had with Gabriel too. Another thing he hoped would wait.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a quick one but more dialogue than before. Short but sweet, maybe bittersweet.


	4. The Confession

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Clarke decides what to write in her letter, she goes over all the details of their lives on earth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A trip into Clarke's mind as she writes her letter to Bellamy. She judges herself most harshly for the mistakes she made.

The Confession  
Clarke stared at the paper on the table and the pencil in her hand. She had never thought about what she would say. It never seemed to be okay to have feelings as far as all her friends were concerned. She had only ever felt that she was the one to make the difficult choices. The ones no one wanted to be responsible for. Then she was scorned for having made the decisions. The ones no one else wanted to make. So, she never felt like she was entitled to have feelings, let alone share them.   
Loving Bellamy was the one thing that was hers and hers alone. She had barely let the thought be a reality in her own mind. Everyone knew she loved Madi as though she were her own. The daughter she had shared her time with after Praimfaya. That was common knowledge. So how then had this stranger who knew nothing about her seen through her carefully placed armour. She started to wonder if everyone could see through it as well as Gabriel had. Was she that Transparent?  
She had trouble starting. Where do you start something like this? She considered for a long time it seemed just what she felt for him. All the things she had gone through with him. The things she might have done differently. The choices she would have made. Useless, all of it. There was nothing she could change as all those pitfalls in her path had led her to this point. Without the choices she had made, they might not all be there.  
As she thought back to every wrong choice she had made and then considered if she had chosen differently, she found that things might have turned out better too. So many mistakes, So, so, many.  
Blaming Murphy for Wells death, Charlotte might still be alive. Maybe. She might not have fallen in love with Finn either. Consequences. Some things she wouldn’t change at all. The day she and Bellamy went to the storage depot and found the guns. Distracting Dax enough for Bellamy to find the bullet. She couldn’t see that choice as coming out any other way. And she was able to convince Bellamy to not only stay but that they all needed him. Finding a way to get him a pardon too was probably the best thing to come out of it. Torturing Lincoln was one of her biggest regrets. If she had seen any other way, she would have taking that over the torture. Somehow, Lincoln had come to see past it. She didn’t know if head ever forgiven her for it but he didn’t seem to let it interfere with the relationship he tried to build with the sky people. So many things clouded through her mind, tumbling by like rocks down a hill. So many bad decisions. Closing the dropship door. She had wished that all their people had been safe inside when she had done it. Would they all have escaped at once?   
She was having trouble focusing. Her emotions had never been her friend and they certainly weren’t now. Being in love with someone had always cost her their life. Deep down she knew that she wasn’t really the one responsible for their lives but she still felt the loss as though she were. How could she tell Bellamy how much she loved him? How much she was IN LOVE with him. Had been in love with him for as long as she could remember now. How easily she had kept him tucked away within the walls of her heart. Even back in the beginning, she thought it possible that she had started to love him then. Even when she was in love with Finn. No showy or garish declarations, just a simple love that would endure. No fairy tale endings for her, she knew it would be disaster. Bellamy was with Echo, that wouldn’t change. And then she had it. Taking a deep breath, she began.   
Bellamy, …  
And just like that, she started to pour out her story, her side of it anyways. She didn’t cut herself any slack.   
In the beginning, Finn had called her “Princess” and Bellamy had adopted it almost immediately. They all knew she was privileged on the ark. They wanted to make sure that she wasn’t down here too. At some point, though she initially resented the title, she had never thought of herself in “that” way. She didn’t think she was the type to judge solely on their station in life on the Ark. She found that she was wrong about herself. She did judge. She never thought that Finn would become unhinged at the thought that the grounders had kidnapped her or the rest of the 100. She never thought he would be the type to kill innocent people that were just trying to survive themselves. Thinking back on their time on earth, especially in the beginning, she remembered no one talking. Think of how things could have gone for them if they had actually communicated. Being told about the mountain men as soon as they landed would have been a huge help. Instead of Jasper getting speared in the chest, they could have come out and said ”hey don’t go there, those people are dangerous, they use acid fog to control us and kidnap our people and the ones that return are changed in a really screwed up way, we call them reapers.” you know something like that. They could have talked about why the kids had come to earth in the first place, how the Ark was dying and it was a last-ditch attempt to find out if the ground was survivable yet.  
She chuckled to herself, so many mistakes and no way to go back and change anything. She found she was so very wrong about Bellamy. If someone had told her that first day that he would become so important to her she would have busted a gut laughing so hard. She would have never thought that he could be brave, noble, caring, honest, loyal or protective of anyone other than Octavia she would have called them crazy. The Rebel King. Once she had discovered what he had done and why he had done it, she started to open her eyes. Yeah, he was selfish at first. Only caring about Octavia. He would show his true colours and she would see them too, bright as anything she could have imagined. He was always there for her though. The fact that he had a chance to let her go on that first trip to save Jasper was the first time he started working on her armour. A little at a time, working his way in there under her skin.   
There was more to their story though. Mount Weather, escaping Mount Weather. Finding herself at the new camp and getting shot. Anya died. They had a chance that Anya was willing to take for peace and she died. She thought about how cruel earth was. Life really. And then there he was. Alive and breathing. Not a pile of ash and bones at the dropship like she thought. She had been told they had survived but it didn’t hit home until she saw him. She was talking with Raven after waking up and then all of a sudden, just, there. Her heart stopped for just a second and she ran to him. Right into his arms and without a thought of anything else. After the second or two of shock wearing off, he held her too. Wrapping his strength around her like a blanket. It wasn’t until Octavia spoke that she noticed that they were on display. Turning, she hugged Octavia too, not quite as emotionally charged as when she hugged Bellamy but she was still so glad for her to be alive. She was saddened by the decisions she had made. Almost getting her killed in Ton DC. The Alliance, the betrayal. All of it coming back to her in punishing waves threatening to spill forth on the paper in front of her. There wasn’t really enough paper to say everything that she wanted to. She turned it into a short story. Hopefully, the most important parts would shine through.   
But she has said she fell in love 3 times. The fist, Finn, obviously. The second was different. Lexa. A strong and fierce leader. She didn’t look at her like a broken doll that deeded to be saved. She seemed to look at her like an equal. She was unsure of their alliance at first. Things turned though. She tried to make herself strong fierce like Lexa was. Cold, shutting out her feelings. Looking back, that was a mistake. Not the falling in love part, the shutting down part. It was why she went back on asking Bellamy (or rather telling) him that going into the mountain wasn’t an option. To add insult to injury, when he asked what changed her mind, she had said she was being weak. It wasn’t until much later that she had decided that love was a strength not a weakness. They saw things so differently yet were just trying to keep their people alive. A part of her broke in the mountain though. All those people. Children. It all made her so angry to think about some times. The choices put in front of her. The betrayal. Becoming Wanheda. The Commander of Death. Who would want that on their shoulders? She ran away though. After the mountain. She ran away because she couldn’t face them. Couldn’t let them see what she had become. Yes, she knew she would kill for them all but facing them every day would just remind her of that. A killer. A monster. Bellamy only pulled the lever in Mount Weather to make save Octavia, and maybe so she didn’t have to do it alone. She didn’t deserve him. He stood by her when she took Finns life to save them all and now look what she did.   
She kept writing her little tale. So much to say and so little paper to do it on. It had taken her so long to see what had been there from almost the beginning. No matter what had happened to them, the grounders, the mountain, Allie. Bellamy. Bellamy was always there for her. Allie was hard though. How do you fight something that is so insidious and yet so innocuous? Finding out that Allie had destroyed the world the first time was shocking. To find your history wrong after nearly a hundred years can shake you in ways you don’t expect. Your whole history. False. But that is beside the point. No one knew why she built the City of Light. How she was filling it was insane. Yeah you could choose, but at what cost? Her Mother had chosen but not of her own volition. Only after she watched as the life was draining out of Raven did she choose. Choice. What horrible nonsense is that? Choice. What choice do we have? Aye, there is the rub. Choose to do nothing or choose to do a thing that you don’t want to do. Even when all your choices have run out, there is always the one choice left. Do nothing. But they never chose that one did they. They always chose to try. Even when they didn’t like that choice they chose to try. Choices that make us inhuman at times. Choices that make us monsters. And still Bellamy was there.  
Praimfaya. So Allie got to destroy the earth twice. How is that fair. First, she starts the nuclear missile launches that destroyed the earth over 97 years ago. No one left to maintain the nuclear reactors meant that they were melting down. All the bargaining, striking deals, repairing the Ark, none of it was really going to save them. They needed something more. Something to save them all. Nightblood looked like it could be the answer. She was so ashamed of what they did to get it. And they didn’t even know if it would work. Yes, Luna had gotten better but the death wave was so much more than just radiation. She held back the tears that threatened. So heavy. And then Becca’s tomb. A bunker that would save up to 1200 people. All of her people would be safe. And then the grounders. All the clans squabbling over the remaining space. How would she fix that? The Flame. If she became the commander, she could decide. All the clans could have people that would live. No chance. If Roan had only kept his mouth shut. If only the people had been told that Becca was the first nightblood and that she had used science to do it…. Not that it would have mattered. A conclave. The last warrior would decide. This time Bellamy stood in her way. She couldn’t do it again. Taking Finn’s life to save the people was necessary she had once thought. She didn’t see how Killing Bellamy was necessary. All she could see was him. Standing next to her. Always. She could not do it. And then she was at the bottom of the tower and the link wasn’t working. Communications with the ring weren’t going to be possible if she didn’t get it done. She had killed many times for her people. So many in fact that it seemed impossible to count. It was always possible to die in the process but this. It only took a second to decide that she would die for them too. So, she climbed. She would die for them. So, they could live. So, he would live.  
And then she didn’t. She didn’t die. She lived. She found Madi and really lived for the first time since the drop ship landed. No fighting for her life. Not after the first little while anyways. She had peace. She talked to him with the radio. He didn’t answer but she talked anyway. Laughed, cried. She didn’t know that he couldn’t hear her but didn’t really chance it so she never told him too many of her secrets. And when they didn’t come back, she did start to lose faith. She did grow angry that they hadn’t come back. She did start to resent being alone down there with no one but a child to raise. She tried to bury it though.   
When they finally did come down, it wasn’t to her. Things had changed between all of them. She would never have imagined that they would put themselves before her child. She had given everything for them and instead of just making sure her child was safe they decided she was a tool. A means to an end for them. Well she was angry. It still got her a little. Yeah, they thought that was what they needed to do to survive but they had no right to do it. She knows that is what he thought would save them all but he just chose to do it. Without her. Not together like always but alone. She knew he did things to protect her. To protect all of them. She still didn’t like it but she did need to move past it. They couldn’t be expected to know what it was like for her all those years. No more than she could be expected to know what it was like for them. She was starting to feel all the old anger and resentment melt away. Her story was finished now.   
A final note to Bellamy. She knows nothing will change. Life is too damn short not to say what you feel for a person.  
She folded it carefully and wrote his name on the outside. Standing up, the letter found its way into her inside pocket. It was time for sleep. She would decide tomorrow if she would give it to him or not. She had done what she needed to do. At lease for now.  
The next morning as she set out for the trek back, she didn’t notice the letter falling to the floor as she stood to leave…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried to think of what Clarke would feel about the choices and mistakes they had all made. It's hard writing things.


	5. The Long Walk Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and Raven get to reconnect and really talk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know where I will go with this, it just keeps growing and growing and growing.

A Long Walk Back  
The aftermath of the Adjustment Protocol was horrendous to say the least. While the children had been safely tucked away during the event, they were roaming through the village that was now drastically reduced in population. Some had lost parents and older family members while others were left in tact. The shame of Russell’s betrayal of the people of Sanctum still fresh on their faces, including some that had been the staunchest of believers. Others still in awe of the Primes clearly ready to blame the newcomers from earth for all that had happened.   
How do you stand aside while atrocities are delivered upon a group of innocent people? Yes, they had volunteered as hosts for the primes, but since they had not been given all the facts, can they truly be thought of as willing participants? She could have sacrificed, given up and let it all happen. Where does it end. If so, what of Madi? Would she have survived her ordeal? Could she have overcome and won out over Sheidheda? A shuddering thought. And what now of the people of Sanctum? Would they be able to convince Jordan of the transgression of the Primes? Would they in fact save him? Too many questions and not enough answers. Clarke had her work cut out for sure.  
Despite all the efforts of the group, Jordan remained unconvinced that what they were doing was wrong. A far cry from the young man that had fallen so quickly for Delilah. His focus had changed to Priya. He still held her mind drive and would not give it up. The chanting “Hallowed be her Name” his new found mantra. This would take time and effort to heal the broken mind. He had become so lost. Monty and Harper’s boy. How could they all have failed them. Even though Clarke would not have been able to do anything about it, she still felt responsible to their revered friends. They would not be able to free his mind from the trap as easily as previously hoped. Their contingency in this case: take him back to Gabriel, he had the drug derived from the toxin to use on him but he would not be a willing participant. They had to drag him back, kicking and screaming all the way.  
“Clarke, any idea what this stuff will do to Jordan?” Raven’s concern was plain on her face.  
Clarke considered her answer carefully, her relationship with her old friend still strained regardless of the most recent events. “He said it would bring his mind into more focus, kind of like a reset of what was there before. He used it on Octavia and she had gotten somewhere with it but her curiosity about other things kinda through it all off. She did come back from her experience with answers about herself though. She had definitely changed. More like the Octavia before, everything. She seemed like her soul had been wiped clean almost.” She took a deep breath before continuing, “I don’t really know for sure but, if I get an opinion, I think we have to try something, if not everything we have available. Even things we might be afraid of.”   
Raven took a little time processing Clarke’s words.   
“Do you still love us Clarke, like you used to, like family?”  
Clarke nearly jumped out of her skin at the question. It was a second before she understood what Raven was asking of her. “Raven, there is no other way to put this, you are my family. I have had a sister in you, and once I believed Harper could have been if I had known her better. Murphy and Monty were my brothers, although Murphy was a bit harder of a sell. We were at least people that had seen each other through each other’s eyes, I think. I don’t know if I ever thought that Echo or Emori would become my family but maybe at the end of it all, I had hoped. They are important to me at least. And now I have a daughter too. It’s hard to say to what varying degrees I love you all but I do. Well, maybe not Murphy as much as everyone else, but you know what I mean” She let herself laugh at that last just a little. Finally, a few moments of lightness between the two women who had been so strained over the past few weeks.  
“But how can you say that after you betrayed us, after you let McCreary torture us?” Raven was still raw from their time back on earth, the recent events on the mother ship hadn’t re\\\erased everything that she had been through with Shaw.  
“That’s a little more complicated than just the fact I betrayed all of you and let you get tortured, don’t you think?” Clarke’s version of events was a little more emotional than she would have wanted but feelings are feelings, regardless of what precipitated them.  
“What do you mean?” Raven, like everyone else had a rather singular view of all the wrongs that Clarke had committed.  
“Let’s look back at events that you’re familiar with, shall we? Finn told me about the space walk incident and how it was actually you that should have gotten floated but because he believed he would get a reprieve when he turned 18, he took the fall instead of you. He had no way of knowing that things were so bad on the Ark that they would have floated him when he turned 18. You didn’t know it either, so you let him go to the skybox for something you did. Any regrets about that?”  
“That’s not really fair, all of you were sent to the ground before he turned 18”  
Yes, but that doesn’t change the fact that it was you who was the Spacewalker and not him right?”  
“Okay, that is true but what does that have to do with us?”  
“Just stay with me, this is the only way I can get there so that in the end you see why I can still say that I love you but it will take some time. Be patient, please”  
“Not my strong suit but, I will try”  
“So, then Finn and I began a very short-lived relationship on the ground, which I am thinking made you kinda hate me even though I didn’t know you or anything about you?”  
A sheepish nod.  
“I broke it off with him as soon as you came to the ground, but that didn’t make you resent me any less. But we needed you and your big brain skills so I put aside whatever feelings I was feeling about my feelings for Finn. Yup, a lot of feelings there. But I did it. We asked you to help make bullets, which you did cause we needed them. We asked you to build a bomb to blow up a bridge and that’s what you did. You made land mines for us too. You helped get the drop ship engines working so that we could fire them at the right time to kill the most Grounders, right?”  
Another nod, Raven’s eyes cast downward. All the worst parts of human history in just a small sample of the things that Raven did once reaching the ground.   
None of the things you did were your best shining moments I would hazard a guess but, logically, we needed you to do them for all of us. For the kids that were dent to the ground as guinea pigs for an Ark full of people that wouldn’t have thought twice before floating any of us for so much as stealing an extra ration or two. They were all bad choices but there were no good choices to choose from were there? There were so many other decisions that had to be made for us to survive and none of the ones we could think of were even remotely pleasant. Bellamy and I made choices so that we could maximize the number of people we could save. Sounds great doesn’t it. I am not sure what was in Bellamy’s mind when he was rationalizing our decisions or even if he did rationalize at all really, but I know that it was my love or at least caring for our people and the hope to keep as many alive as possible that made me choose the way I did.”  
Clarke was trying to understand it all too and it was complicated and messy even in her own mind. She forged on… “Over time, there were a few of you that became incredibly important to me, you are among that group. Some of the rashest and harshest of my decisions were because I couldn’t bear to lose any of you. We had lost so much already that it seemed like I couldn’t breath whenever I thought about losing any of you. More and more, I gave whatever I could for all of you. If a decision I made would keep you all alive, then I would make it, even if it meant you would hate me. In Mount Weather, when President Wallace was talking about the choices he had made, he said something that would eventually become my mantra – ‘I bear it so they don’t have to’. I knew that I would always give whatever I had to give, I would both kill or die for you.”  
Raven, not looking at here but starting to realize maybe just a little of the weight on Clarkes soul. Something none of them had really considered. She took a deep breath, trying to relieve the heaviness that had grown in her chest. It had little effect, so continued to stay silent.  
“Then there was Praimfaya. I was standing at the bottom of the satellite tower and thinking this was the end. I would not have the time to both climb the tower and make it back to go with you but I could try to save you. So that is what I chose to do. The dish had to be aligned manually so I had to climb. I wasn’t even at the top when you blasted off so I had to hope that I would make it and get it done before you got to the ring. In my heart I expected, knew, that I would die. It was my only hope that you would make it, that getting up there would be time enough for you to live. So, I tried. And when I got up there and had to kick the dish into moving into place, the connection cut off part way so I could never be sure that it worked. I continued to try. I tried to get back to the lab and I continued to hope beyond every reason that seemed to exist that you made it.”  
Clarke had continued on, not really even looking at Raven anymore. She hadn’t noticed that Raven had begun to cry silently as they continued to walk and Clarke made her grand explanation of how she could still say she loved them all as she had before.  
“It was months before I found Madi. As I raised her, there were some things that became evident to me. Madi was by no means a selfish child, but she was a child. Which meant I had to be careful with how I showed her my love. It wasn’t long before I felt like I couldn’t love her more than if I had given her life myself. There were times when it was easy but mostly all of it was hard. I had no one else to guide me. No great motherly advice. Only the things we had done to survive. But I am constantly reminded that if I give her too much all at once, no matter what it is, she seems to always want more, even if there is no more. At times when there was so much abundance and I let it slide, a little extra here and there, she seemed to expect it and then when I would say no, she became petulant, sullen and downright unpleasant. But as I told you, I loved her like she was my own. I had become a mother. And so even when she was in her moods, I loved her. I didn’t take it away simply because she was misbehaving or I didn’t like her disposition that day. I just simply loved her. When you all came back from the ring, things were off balance so quickly, I don’t think I adjusted very well. Obviously. But what I really think happened is that while I know you were all very thankful that I saved you and that I was alive for sure, it came as a shock that I had a new focus. I had a child whose needs I would choose over your needs. My choices were no longer made for your best interests, they were made for hers. When Bellamy chose to ask Madi to take the flame, he was inadvertently saying that you were more important than her. Even though he did it as part of his effort to save me, it didn’t change that fact. As a mother to Madi, I couldn’t choose anything that would jeopardize her safety. Yes, I most emphatically declare, that I love you all so very much. But it has changed as have I and all of you. I don’t love you the way I love Madi, because she is still a child and now without the flame in her head and the Commanders advising her, I think she may need me as much as ever. But all of you Raven, while you are people I love, you don’t need me making choices for you anymore, you are capable of them yourself. If you feel you have to make the hard choice then make it. If you think you have a better solution, then make sure your voice is heard. The question isn’t really whether I love you but are you willing to see my point of view and forgive my faults? Are you able to see past the horrible choices I feel I had to make and open your heart to let me in? Can you love me again?”  
By this time, Raven had recovered and was no longer crying. Deep guilt pulling her shoulders down. “I’m sorry. I never looked at it from your point of view before. I guess in some ways I just thought that you were being selfish and cruel. I never thought of it as something you did for everyone else. Maybe it just made it easier for me to think that. It’s taken a long time and I’m still not sure I forgive you for Finn’s death. I know what he did was wrong and he had to face his punishment but it still feels wrong to me. Like I am never going to recover from that myself. I even know that what you did to him, for him, saved him from the torture the grounders were planning for him. I only had a few cuts in Ton DC and that was, well, that was unbearable. It doesn’t help though. It’s like I’m stuck back then, still hating you for that. On top of that, it was the knife I gave to you that you used to…. kill him. But maybe you’re right. Maybe we, I, am hurt about not being your priority now. Maybe I don’t know how to let go of that. Any of it”  
Clarke was thoughtful. There was nothing more she could do to defend herself or her actions. Raven was going to feel and think. But she had all the facts now. Maybe it would take time and maybe it would never change but at least she had shared her truth with the woman she had once been close to. She would be able to let go of any of the resentment she might have been carrying for Raven. Any of them really.  
“Clarke?”  
“Yes”  
“I noticed that Bellamy was absent from your list of ‘family’ members. I know that he is special to you, more so than the rest of us but…well I’ve seen you look at him. Maybe there is a thing or two you need to know as well.”  
Clarke was a little stiff, as though bracing herself against a huge wind about to knock her down.  
Raven took a deep breath before she began.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you are enjoying so far. I don't know when I will end it but it seems like now is not the time.


	6. The Ring

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raven gives a monologue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Raven and Clarke get to talk, Raven shows compassion

The Ring  
Raven took a deep breath, a habit all of them seemed to pick up over the last few years. “When we first got to the ring, there was no power yet. Bellamy thought that he left you behind and it was for nothing, we were dead. No surprise really that you did it, you got the power on for us. Not once we all had a chance to think about it. Later, after we had the air running, I found Bellamy at one of the observation windows looking down at the earth. I asked him if he thought we could do it without you and his exact words were ‘if we don’t, she died in vain, and I’m not gonna let that happen’. He was serious and as far as I can tell, he lived every day for you. So that your death meant something to us all. He never, NEVER let any of us forget it either. He struggled at first, there were so many times I would find him sitting alone somewhere, hiding from the rest of us, buried in himself. He would sit and cry. I thought he would stop but after a month or so went by, I finally sat down beside him one night and let him know that I was there for him. That he could share with me. I figured he was crying about Octavia. Missing her you know? Turns out that he was sure she would be fine, she may be trapped and living under the floor again but at least she had nearly 1200 other people to keep her company. His only worry was whether she would get any time to herself. But he eventually talked to me. When he finally did, I was blown away. It was you he cried for. He talked about his feelings for you, regretting not telling you and now how it made him feel empty and alone. It took him years to get over you. Losing you even though he was never ‘with you’. Not that way at least. Some nights were worse than others. Some nights there were nightmares. He had terrifying dreams about you dying. Burning. Always burning. He buried himself in the daytime with the odd jobs around the ring. Making sure every little maintenance detail was taken care of. He was drunk one night, well there were many drunk nights, but this one night he told me how he talked to you sometimes and imagined how his life would be with you if praimfaya never happened. He thought you guys could have been happy together, had a kid or two maybe. He joked about already having the practice with the delinquents an all, we laughed. All that time though, he resented Echo being there. He didn’t bother hiding it even. She struggled not knowing how to live up there. He just made it worse. She pulled her weight though, did whatever was asked of her and did her best not to complain about it. At some point I had to call him out though. He had dragged it out way too long. I should have done it much sooner but, Bellamy does things in his own time. So, I started pushing. We were up there for 3 years before he finally forgave her. For Octavia, for you, for being there instead of you. It was hard but he needed to do it. He still wouldn’t let us forget though. Every time he could, he would bring it up. ‘Clarke didn’t die just so we could’ and then he would fill in with the situation that called for it. It was still along time before he got together with Echo. I think they bonded over all the crappy things they did on earth. I asked him about why he got together with her and he said that he thought it was time he started living instead of just surviving. He paused and then said ‘I survived losing Clarke but, that shouldn’t be all that I’ve done. All that I ever do’. He was right. It was time for him to finally move on.”  
Clarke felt like her chest would burst open. All that time they could have had together lost. But then what of Madi? Would she have survived on her own? Madi was strong. All parents would like to believe that their children couldn’t live without them. The truth was that Madi had survived all that time until they found each other. She had skills, she fished, foraged and survived. She was wild when she found her and would probably have stayed that way. Madi was smart, she had avoided all the dangers, though few were left in the valley, way better than Clarke had up to that point.   
Raven looked sideways at Clarke, waiting for some response. Anything. All she could see was that Clarke had fallen deep into thought. The wheels were clearly turning though.  
Clarke suddenly turned to Raven: “I would give anything to have been there for you guys. With you guys, I know that I wouldn’t have been there for Madi, but you’ve seen her, she would have survived without me anyways.”  
“Why would you say that? You know she probably wouldn’t and even if she did, what would have happened when Diyoza and her gang of thugs got down there and discovered what surely would have been a feral child running around the forest. I’m sure Madi would have been afraid and would have attacked them at some point and probably got herself killed in the process. Besides, fi I learned anything from you, it’s that there is no point in wasting time and energy on ‘what if’. There is only what is and that’s what needs to be focused on. I am sorry you weren’t there with us but I am not sorry you survived and got to live with Madi.”  
Raven was making a lot of sense; it didn’t make the ache in her heart ease up at all.  
“I’m sorry, you’re right. I just wish that praimfaya never happened. We could have had such different lives. Maybe Madi would never had me but she wouldn’t have lost her parents.” She was ashamed now; she had never wished for anything to have happened differently in the last 6 years of their lives on earth. The appearance of the prison ship was the exception. It was messe3d up though, without Diyoza, her friends might not have ever made it back to earth. They would never have gotten the bunker open. She would never have seen her mom again even if she did lose her almost immediately. As she went over things in her head, she realized that while things would be different, they weren’t necessarily better or worse. Just different. “I know everything is almost always upside down and everything we do is a live or die kind of choice but I don’t think I could really give up the positives just so I could get rid of all the negatives.”  
Raven burst into laughter. “I never thought about it like that before. If you go back and get rid of all the bad stuff that happened, we’d eventually end up back on a dying Ark with no future at all. We would all be dead and gone for over a hundred years by now. There is something else I should say to you though.”  
Clarke’s forehead stitched together in concern. Like there was always another terrible thing coming around the next corner. “Okay” she hesitated, “what’s that” unable to hide the worry in her tone.  
“Actually, I think it’s time I stopped trying to make you sorry for all the crap you did in the past. Most of the crappy things I ever did in the past were pretty mild, but then again, I was never asked to make life altering decisions for anyone but me. All the choices I made affected just me. You had to make decisions for all of us and they were never good choices to choose from. So, stop apologizing for the past and I will try to stop making you regret the past. We can’t change it and it really is time to move on.”  
Clarke’s eyes filled with tears immediately. She knows Raven didn’t say the actual words but still, she felt forgiven her sins. She stopped and grabbed Raven, pulling her into a hug like her life depended on it. She had never realized how much she needed this before. And then she let go like she never had before. It was like her tears had consumed her. The Rest of the group were sort of scattered a bit but now they all stopped to watch the spectacle. The two women finally both crying and laughing in each others arms. No better therapy than that.  
All of a sudden, Murphy and Emori were right there. All of them giggling together now. The tide seemed to have changed for all of them. Things were going to be different. But still, that little itch in her brain kept nagging at her…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it feels good to let them breath a little with each other


	7. The Anomoly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke goes in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Clarke as usual is prepared to do anything to save her people.

The Anomaly  
“Echo! What’s happening? Clarke was hoping for a group of happy people standing around after rescuing Octavia already. It would seem that the anomaly had other plans. When Echo came into view, her face was still covered in concern and Clarke knew nothing had changed yet.  
“Nothing! Bellamy went in a few hours after you left. Gabriel went in 2 days ago. Nothing since. I’ve just been waiting for you guys to come back to fill you in so that we could decide what to do next. Stupid plan to begin with.”  
“It’s all we had based on what we knew. Has Hope’s condition changed?” Not long after Hope emerged from the cloud of the anomaly, she began to struggle to communicate. It was weird. She started out speaking normally and then a little at a time, she had begun to, well talk gibberish. At first a word or two here and there and then finally, everything she said. Like a switch in her brain was flickering until finally it shut off. She seemed to understand everything everyone else said, she just couldn’t talk.  
“She’s back at the tents. She hasn’t seemed to be interested in running away so I have just let her be for now. I don’t know how to get any info out of her so it didn’t seem to matter whether she left or not.” Echo was frustrated at that. In the past, there were ways she would have gotten information out of someone but this was a special case. Hope could understand but her words didn’t make sense when they came out so she stopped trying to talk.  
“Okay, I’m gonna give it another shot, maybe we can figure it out together? Are you coming?”  
“No, I’m going to stay awhile longer and see if anything here changes.” Echo was tired but not willing to leave yet.  
“Do you want someone to stay? Do you need anything? I can get someone to run it back to you if you do.”  
“Yeah, I could use some rations and some company for that matter. Things get ‘strange’ often and it would be ice to know that it’s just in my head.”  
Murphy and Emori elected to stay with Echo along with a couple of the outcasts. Maybe they could bounce a few more things around with each other and try and work up a new plan. Clarke and Raven headed back to the tents to see if they could get two-way communication going with Hope. Clarke was worried though, from what Gabriel had said, it was easy to start hallucinating when you were close to the edges of the anomaly. Echo was very private so it was no surprise that she didn’t offer any news about whether she had or hadn’t seen anything specific, only that she had experienced it. Clarke wasn’t going to pry either, her own voices of the past were already taunting her. She wasn’t about to offer up her deep seeded fears. she knew if Echo wanted to share, she would.  
Octavia had been the only person to ever go in and come back out. She hadn’t been able to remember anything according to Gabriel. Maybe Hope could shed some light on what happens there. Hope, she wasn’t even born yet when she went in and now, she was an adult, or at least close to it. But she was missing something, they all were. She couldn’t help but wonder, was Hope the key? And why the hell did she stab Octavia? Who was “he”? Why did “he” have Diyoza? Why was Octavia able to come back in the first place? So many questions and no answers so far. All they had managed to get from Hope initially was that she had to stab Octavia to open the link. What link? More questions.  
Enough was enough. They were getting nowhere and time kept slipping away from them. A decision had to be made and soon. So, like always, she did.  
“Raven, can you get me back up to the ship? I have to talk with Madi before I do anything else.”  
“Sure, when do you want to leave?”  
“Now, there’s no more time so it has to be now.”  
They headed back to the edge of the bubble to let everyone know they were going. “Echo, can I talk to you privately for a minute?”  
“Okay….” Echo wasn’t sure why Clarke would want to talk to her privately but she obliged.  
“I need something from you and I’m not sure how you will feel about it. I am about to jump in there with both feet as soon as I get back down here. I have no idea how this is going to play out so I need something really important from you.”  
Again “Okay…” Even more hesitant this time.  
“I need for you to be a part of Madi’s life. There are only a few of you left that I know and trust. I will ask Emori too and of course when I get up there, Gaia and Indra. But I know that history can be skewed by perceptions. I need for Madi to know all of the stories from as many perspectives as possible so that she can make up her own mind about things. Tell her about Roan, about Nya and how you were raised and all the things that happened to you both good and bad. I know she is not the commander anymore and that she is not your daughter, so you have no obligation to her but. There are so few left that know who you all were and where you came from.”  
“Clarke, what the hell are you talking about? I’m not her mother, I don’t know anything about raising a child!”  
“You don’t have to raise her, just tell her, teach her about all the histories. I have to go and tell her that I am going in there, that place that no ones seems to know anything about and I don’t know what will happen to me. I need to know that everyone I know and trust will take part in finishing things for me. Let her know that she was loved by me in a way that can’t be measured or explained. Let her know that I didn’t leave her willingly but that I left to try one more time, for everyone.”  
Raven had them up there in short order and now suddenly she was nervous about what to say, what to tell her child.  
It was a painful discussion and Madi had tears, so many tears. She understood really that she had to do this. She had to try after everything that had happened. Gaia and Indra were both gracious in agreeing to continue to be there for Madi. Commander or not, she needed them and they were ready and willing to be of further guidance to her. After all, they too had come to love Madi as family. Their time together so short, Raven would either return with or without Clarke, but she would return to let them know what happened on the ground.  
They were all gathered now in front of the wall of mist. Strange noises and images coming to them all. It was time for Clarke to make her grand farewell speech.  
“If I don’t bring anyone back, If I don’t figure it out, let me be the last. Don’t let anyone else throw their life away without something that can be used to make a better plan. Raven and I went over Gabriel’s notes one last time and found something interesting enough to try. The adjustment protocol, the blood of Sanctum. The stuff the Primes used to brainwash the citizens of Sanctum. I’m going to use it to try and focus on our people. Its properties are designed to make the user focus single mindedly on one thing. I have no idea if this will work, if it will help or if it will get me killed. It’s a chance. It’s risky but it’s a chance.  
She took a drink and started to think about Bellamy, Octavia, Gabriel and Diyoza. Those four people and nothing else as she pictured herself walking towards them. As she did, she began to move forward. The others watched in silent horror as she walked into the mist, disappearing from view.  
As she thought about Bellamy, his image came into view. It was strange though. Like watching a movie. It seemed more like a feeling though. He was younger then. Octavia too. They were talking and laughing around a small table in a small apartment like the ones on the Ark. It began to change though. The room became bigger, it opened up into a nice open room with an open kitchen in the background. A large living space. She had seen this picture long ago in movies she used to watch with Wells. It was a house. It began to take on a kind of texture. Like she could feel that she was actually there. It was only moments before it began to change. They were both older now. Octavia was there with Lincoln. Again, a happy picture of family. Octavia was well on her way into what was surely a pregnancy. Motherhood. A feeling Clarke knew only too well. Bellamy entered the house with a couple of toys and suddenly Octavia had two small children with her on the floor in front of a fire place while Lincoln was on a couch reading a book. Bellamy all smiles for his niece and nephew. A boy and a girl. They ran to him. As they ran into his arms, they changed again, Bellamy with a little grey at the edges of his temples. And they children all grown up. Older than Madi is now. The picture began to fade and Octavia, much, much older now, Looked very sad. It was then that an older woman stared directly at Clarke with pleading eyes filled with tears about to overflow.  
“You’ve come to take it all away haven’t you? I know it isn’t real but is it so wrong? Is it so wrong to have all this, here and now?” Octavia began to fade into the background.  
Suddenly Bellamy was in front of her.  
“I’ve been waiting for you. What took you so long?” It took a moment for her to see that he wasn’t talking directly to her but an image of her. A projection it would seem. The picture too had changed. The house was different but just as nice as the one Octavia shared with Lincoln in the last scene. He was busy in the kitchen making dinner and going on about his day. Chatting endlessly about his students. He seemed to be a history teacher or something. He was asking Clarke about how the hospital was, apparently, she was an ER doctor. They looked so happy. The scene changed quickly, now they too were older. A young girl with black hair and blue eyes was sitting at the table with books in front of her. And a little blonde boy with brown eyes was playing nearby. Children. They too had children. Bellamy coming in the door to greet them and the image of Clarke embracing him as he did. Again, things changed too quickly. She wanted to see more of what this was. A dream. But no, older still, the two of them cuddled on a nearby couch under some cozy blankets watching something of the TV. All faded, leaving just Bellamy and a desperate plea with tear filled eyes. Please don’t. It’s all I wanted. Can I just have this please?” He too faded into the background.  
Gabriel’s turn to be in the front. His picture was different. The house, looked more lived in. Like it was taken from his memory and not some picture on a TV program or old movie. Hi image too, different from the face he left with but the face he had in the pictures on the walls in Sanctum. His original face. He was sitting at a table with a pile of books open in front of him. And then there she was. Josephine. She was here too with Gabriel. They spoke softly to each other. Loving words. As they embraced, they suddenly had two children. Three beautiful little kids. All had longer curly hair. Darker than she would have expected. As they grew as a family, she noticed how the feeling of acceptance had come to her. Once again, just as the other scenes faded into the background, Gabriel stood in front of her. His plea was different though. “Don’t be trapped by window dressing. Just because you want something, doesn’t mean your supposed to get it.”  
She wasn’t too sure what window dressing was but she did understand the second part. She could make all the effort in the world to rescue everyone but it doesn’t mean she’ll succeed. Or even that she’s meant to. Why does it have to be so damned complicated?  
Finally, she had Diyoza in a scene in front of her. She felt pain, emotional pain. The very air seemed to be thick with it. Instead of a beautiful family scene, there was Diyoza. Tortured in the centre. Standing there with a blindfold on, arms tied behind her back against a post in the ground. Five men in uniforms standing in front of her with rifles. A firing squad. Like the ones in some of the old movies her dad had watched on the ark. Strange to see it like it was live action in front of her. Standing off to the side, a man reading off a list of charges against her. Her crimes against the people. Clarke briefly mused at how she would be judged by the order of society so many years ago. The scene changed, Diyoza with a small child appeared before her. Life looked difficult but not unlike anything Clarke and the delinquents had been through. A gentle smile on Diyoza’s face as she looked upon Hope. The struggle continued throughout her scene until it came around again to the firing squad. And then too at last. Diyoza stood before her with the pleading teary eyes. “I tried to change things but I never could. All roads lead here. Redemption is not easy to get when you don’t earn it.”  
What does that even mean. How are you supposed to earn it? What was she missing?  
“You! Who are you? What are you doing here?”  
Clarke was frozen in place. She couldn’t think of how to respond to that. It was just a question and she couldn’t even see who asked it. She couldn’t see anything now.  
“You’re different.”  
An image began to coalesce in front of her but never seemed to take solid shape.  
“Why would you come here?”  
“To save my people” Clarke found her voice and used it. She was grateful to have it clear and strong.  
“Your people? What makes you think they are yours?”  
“Fine, people that I know, that I love, that appear to be trapped here with you or because of you.”  
“They are mine now, not yours. The first you know of came because of her child. She thought she could escape her demons and start fresh. There is no such thing as starting over. You can never go back to the beginning, the beginning is over, it is past. There is only forward. The second you know came soon after. She was full of fight and anger and self loathing and retribution. She found her own redemption but she found a way out but too soon. She wasn’t done yet. She had to come back. I wasn’t done yet. The third came to find her. He looked to her only. He was tempted by his wants. He stays for a dream of something. He cheated the natural order. The last came in search of meaning. He has learned but not yet enough. But you, what are you here for?”  
She knew this was some kind of trap. She had to be careful. How do you find your way out of a maze that changes whenever you make headway? What is the answer here? Is there more than one answer? “I came for all of them. I came to help them free. I came to do what I can to make that happen. I would try for them.  
“You come for all? You would try for them? What are you willing to sacrifice for them?  
“I would die for them. I would give whatever life I have for them.”  
“Not good enough! I am ravenous. I take. I feed. What will you feed me in exchange for them?”  
There she had it. Whatever this thing was it fed off of them. She wasn’t sure what it fed on specifically but it had to do with the scenes she came through. The hopes, dreams, fears, nightmares. She wasn’t sure exactly but that was the key.  
“Why did you let Hope leave?”  
“Because Hope flew away. She did not belong. She had nothing to give me. The second had to return. She fed me. She is delicious.”  
Clarke’s mind began to churn. “Why do you know who Hope is but not the others?”  
“Hope does not feed me. The rest of you do.”  
“What do you mean?” Clarke was getting desperate now but things seemed to start to fit together. She just didn’t know the shape of the picture she needed to see.  
“I consume all that are aware of course. Why do you ask, why don’t you just stay and play at your dreams? Play at your fears. Watch as the horror and joy of your life unfolds. Stay.”  
Over and over in her mind, the four scenes that had played in front of her told a story for her. Octavia had been robbed of a beautiful life with Lincoln. Bellamy could have a life with Clarke if she would let him. Gabriel was trying to re-write his history so that he avoided his mistakes. Diyoza was stuck trying to pay for the sins of her past and couldn’t let go of the horrible things she did. All of them could have the lives they wanted if they could let the past go. None of them could though. Whatever this being was, he, it was feeding off of them. All except Hope. Hope was different. What was different about Hope. She was born inside the anomaly. The rest weren’t. Hope had no experiences on the outside. Everyone else did. But what was it?  
Hope did not share any life experiences on the outside of the anomaly. She had nothing to give. Nothing for him to fee off of. Could it be that simple?  
“You said that I’m different too. What did you mean?”  
“You have something in you the others did not. Clarity. I have never talked to any of the others. I just gave them so they would stay and feed me. You are different than Hope though. You have plenty to feed me.”  
Everything seemed to crash like waves against a wall. She began to feel the pressure of everything caving in on her. “What do you want from me?”  
“All have come to save others. But expect to leave too. You do not expect to leave. You expect that you will die here. It is not untrue. You are the first true selfless person to enter. And now your exquisite essence will feed me. You would die for them?”  
“I would die for each of them”  
“You would give everything for them?”  
“Yes, everything for them”  
“Even though they would give you nothing in return?”  
“I would give whatever I could to save them. I would do this for them so that they would not have to do it for themselves.”  
“They will not love you for your sacrifice”  
“It doesn’t matter. I don’t sacrifice so that they will love me. I do it because I can. I think I am the only one that can. That is the reason that I must. Not for their love. But mine. It means nothing if I do it for their love.”  
“And so, you will give me everything you are so they may be free?”  
“Yes.”  
Outside the mist, the scene played for all to see. Even on the screens of the mother ship. Madi could see what Clarke was doing for them. She knew why Clarke had said goodbye and made arrangements for her care. Even though she felt grown enough to take care of herself, Clarke made sure to be the mom. All of her friends were witness to what she would do for them. Once again giving them the chance to survive. To Live. People who barely knew her were there talking amongst themselves and saying how wonderful a person she was to sacrifice so much for the people trapped inside. They didn’t know their hollow gratitude would never make it to her ears. Bellamy, Octavia, Gabriel and Diyoza were no longer locked inside their individual dream states. Looking on as Clarke was throwing herself on the proverbial sacrificial altar, Bellamy was awed at what she continued to give them all. Octavia grateful once again that Clarke would give herself to them all. Gabriel had known a lifetime of love with one person but had never fathomed that a sacrifice so immense would be the key to setting them all free. Diyoza, a private muse about the woman she had encountered so very long ago in a small village who managed to challenge her in a way she could not have expected from someone like her. And now she was their savior.  
“You offer me all of yourself freely, with no reservation?”  
“take it, take my life now and end this already.”  
“Your life? I never said I wanted your life. I asked if you would give all that you are. Everything you are. Will you?”  
“Yes, now get on with it.”  
First it was the pain. The pain felt like her skin was being ripped from her body. Stripped away like layers of paper. Then a thought of what happened to Josephine as they threw her memories out the air lock in her mind space. One by one, she had to say goodbye to them. Her dad, Wells. Charlotte. The multitude of people she lost in the camp at the drop ship. Anya. Finn. Lexa. Lexa, More pain. Roan, Jasper, Monty, Harper. So many she loved. Her mom. And now she was saying goodbye to what was left of her people. Some friends, some not so much but she felt she would miss them anyways. And then she didn’t. She lost them and didn’t even remember them. A last sudden regret. Madi, Octavia, Bellamy. Bellamy. What had she done?  
In the background, the mist was fading away as she was stripped of her life. All the people left behind wondering what was happening. Knowing that she would be nothing when it was done. They didn’t really expect her to be a living person anymore. Once the mist cleared, she collapsed on the ground. Bellamy rushed forward to cradle her on the ground. She was alive but wouldn’t wake. Bellamy kept trying. The mist itself shrank into non existence. It had disappeared altogether.  
“Raven! Go get Madi. Bring her here.”  
“Is she alive?”  
“Yes, just go get Madi now please.”  
Bellamy picked her up and began to walk back to the encampment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoa. This got bad. Fast. Lots of dialogue.


	8. The Beginning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke survived but what was the cost?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everyone realizes the true sacrifice Clarke had made for them.

The Beginning  
Bellamy carried her all the way back. There were several offers to help but he wouldn’t let go of her. He laid her down on one of the cots when he got back and stood back. She was alive. She was breathing but there was no response. She wouldn’t wake up. Something still had a hold on her.   
“Gabriel, can you hook up the monitors? I want to know as soon as she is responding to anything.”  
“Of course, I’ll get started right now, we should be getting readings in a few minutes.”  
Bellamy took a chair and put it beside the bed and waited. And waited. And waited. He waited without looking away from her stillness until Raven was back with Madi.  
“Clarke! Clarke, wake up!” Raven thought she would have to fill her in but Madi and everyone on the mother ship had been witness to what happened. What Clarke had done. Madi too would stay by her side, waiting.  
In the meantime, everyone else talked about what she did, what was happening to her, how come she wasn’t waking up. All speculation until she did of course but they couldn’t stop themselves anyway.  
“Why would she do it? Why would she risk herself again? Why did she give up? Who does she think she is anyways? Just because she thinks we hate her? Why would she leave us again?” Raven was mostly ranting over and over again. Her own guilt starting to wear her down into a painful nub of a person. In her center, she was just angry that Clarke was gone. At least she didn’t know if she would come back. After what she saw though, she didn’t think she would be back and it she felt helpless too.  
“Maybe that’s what she thinks we want from her, to be our saviour. That’s what she has been doing since we landed in the drop ship on Earth. How many times did we look to her, expecting her to solve it? Whatever challenge we had to face? When we were being attacked by grounders? When I was accused of killing Wells, she still managed to stand up for me. Even when she thought I was a killer, she didn’t want me to die. And then, when I came back, she was the one that stood up for me, to give me a second chance. It wasn’t until I shot Raven that I started to change. Maybe not right away but Clarke always gave me a chance. I think she believed I could change. She gave me…hope.” Murphy was thoughtful and honest.   
Echo actually decided to share. “She accepted me. She even made me feel …. like I was a part of her family. She wasn’t holding any grudges. I tried to kill her more than once and she still found a place for me. I never thought of her that way until after she won over Josephine. How does she do that? I know she doesn’t forget, but how does she forgive so easily? How does she make you forget to hate her and love her instead?” That last barely above a whisper, not really meant for anyone else. Eyes, falling on Bellamy who had heard the whisper and now staring intently at Echo.  
“I think she forgave me. I think she was only trying to protect Madi from me, from what I might have done to her. I may not have been interested in attacking or killing her directly, but I am sure I would have put her in danger. If she died in service to me, all the better. She would have been out of the way and there were no more Nightbloods to challenge me. All I wanted was to keep the power I had. All she really wanted was to protect her daughter. I always thought in the early days, before Praimfaya that she was just selfish and wanted to do everything her way. It wasn’t until the bunker that I really learned just what she did for us all. She removed the burden of making decisions for everyone from us. She bore the weight of all the choices we had so we didn’t have to. She was so strong for us.” Octavia was interrupted by Madi and Bellamy both.  
“She is strong!” They looked at each other, sharing in the disdain for speaking like she was dead.   
“Gabriel, what’s her brain activity like?” Bellamy was growing impatient. It had been several hours already.  
“Her brain activity is strong, there doesn’t seem to be any physical injury either so there is no reason why she shouldn’t be awake right now. I just don’t have any answers for you. We have to wait until she’s ready.”  
“Come on Clarke, you have to wake up. Madi needs you. I need you.” He held her hand as he said it. No response.   
A few more hours and Madi climbed onto the cot beside Clarke. Madi needed to sleep but she also needed to be with Clarke. With her mom.  
\---  
Clarke laid there, eyes closed. Unable to respond. Unable to move. Strange how she knew her name but that was it. Nothing else. A vague memory of a face she was trying to cling to. To hold on to it. She had nothing else. No memory of anything else, just the shadow of a face. She didn’t even know why she was clinging to it so hard. She could hear people talking to her. Talking about her. Strange things. She sounded both awful and heroic. Generous and selfish at the same time. Weird. Who was she anyways? She fought to remember anything else about herself and there was nothing. She had memories of facts about math, science, human history. Stuff that was just stuff. Nothing of herself. She would have time to contemplate though. A few days would pass before she woke. Someone had called her mom. She needed to try harder.  
\---  
A few days of watch on Clarke and she finally started to stir. Bellamy had stayed in the chair, day and night. There were few breaks to eat and relieve himself but that was it. Madi had a different take.   
“I know you’re in there Clarke. Are you ever coming back? I need help with my lessons. It’s time for training. I know you’re in there. When are you coming back? Clarke, I need you. Clarke, I love you. I know I have never called you this but, Mom, can you come back now?” Madi was getting desperate when she let that one out.  
That’s when it started. First, she started to squinch up her face. Her eyes started to flutter and then she made her hands move. It took some time before she was fully awake but then she was. Sitting there with a very confused look on her face. And then she started to cry. Both Madi and Bellamy flanked her. Trying to support her without crowding her. No easy task for sure.  
“Mom, why are you crying?”  
“Because I don’t know who any of you are!” A distraught cry from Clarke’s lips. No one was prepared for a statement of that magnitude. All of them forgotten. Crushing realization began to hit all of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How will everyone respond to Clarke's sacrifice, now that she is awake and they know what the price of setting everyone free was. This was a quick one.


	9. The Middle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone gets to share with Clarke who she was for them and what she meant.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are no keys to unlock Clarke's mind and then again, there are no locks for any keys to fit.

The Middle  
Gabriel took charge. “Okay everyone, time to back off! She has had a rough go of it and she needs time to gather herself. She doesn’t need everyone hovering over her while she tries to sort this out.” He started to herd everyone out of the tent. He was the only one with the medical knowledge to help Clarke now and felt that he should take over her care at this point. He got a cup of water and approached Clarke. “My name is Gabriel and I am a doctor. I am here to help.”  
“You don’t look like a doctor.”  
“What sort of things do you remember?”  
She had started to regain her composure. “I know my name is Clarke. I can speak, spell, do math. I remember the names of animals and the continents, oceans. Human history. You know, all the regular stuff.”  
“What do you know about yourself?”  
“I know my name is Clarke (she repeated). Clarke Griffin. I don’t remember anyone else though. Nothing of my parents. None of my friends. None of those people out there. I was able to hear when they were talking. I couldn’t move but I could hear them talk about me. Maybe I don’t want to remember. It doesn’t sound like I was such a great person. On top of that, I am someone’s mom? I had to fight to wake up. If I am someone’s mom then they need me, right?” She paused while she concentrated on something that clung to her. “There is something though, not really a memory but, a kind of shadow of a person. There’s no shape really, just more like a feeling. I can’t quite put my finger on it. I know it’s a person but the feeling that is attached to it is like … well like … home. It’s the only way I can describe it. Is that helpful at all?”  
“I don’t know yet but I will try to work with it to help you. For now, let’s just start with a story that you told me a while ago. It’s a story about you before you got here so you’ll have to bear with me. I am not sure if it will help you but I think I should give it a try.” Then He began with the story Clarke had shared with him the night before they went on their missions.   
She listened patiently and without a lot of emotional reaction to the story Gabriel had told her. Right up until the part about the earth being destroyed a final time and leaving for Alpha. The whole tale was incredible and hard to believe. So many things were being revealed to her about who she was. She remembered nothing. None of it. She wasn’t even on a planet. A moon! And so many other things. She needed to rest though. Gabriel said she had enough for one day. He would make sure she wasn’t disturbed again for a while. He didn’t want her too overwhelmed her first day back.  
\---  
The following days were trying at best. One at a time, volunteers would come to her and talk. Gabriel would supervise. For some reason he felt that was important. Perhaps he was looking for something, some sort of reaction to any of the people that came to her. They would tell them who they were and what their history was. Gabriel just observed, always watching. Madi was first of course. She had the longest story to share. She had been with Clarke every day for nearly 6 years. They had the most history. They spent the entire day together. Madi was so animated while describing their life on earth together. Clarke found herself longing for the memories of her. But there was no connection. Just stories. It wasn’t long before Clarke realized that she wasn’t the only one that had lost something important. Madi had lost her mom. Before She turned in for the night, Madi asked her if she started to remember her. Clarke had to disappoint her.   
Bellamy had avoided her. There was no reason except he couldn’t see her like that. It was worse than when Josephine had taken over. At least he could still talk to Clarke. Clarke was still in there. He just couldn’t handle losing her again. Going to her would make it real and he would have to deal with it. He was the last. Gabriel had come to him and let him know that Clarke had been re-introduced to everyone else and there was no progress yet. He thought for sure that there would have been something after Madi went to her but his heart shrank when he heard otherwise.  
Clarke was prepared for disappointment when Gabriel told her that the next would be the last of her ‘people’. Then he walked in. Clarke was overtaken with emotion and Gabriel was there to see.   
“You! who are you?”  
Bellamy was taken aback for a moment. He had expected a different reaction. “My name is Bellamy, why?”  
“Gabriel told me about you but I didn’t expect anything to affect me when you came in. He told me that I was in love with you before all this happened to me. He didn’t tell me anything else about you but I can FEEL you. Tell me everything. I don’t care what it is just tell me everything about me and you.”  
Bellamy’s heart jumped into action. He sat down and told her everything from his point of view. All the good. All the bad. Everything in between and everything he could think of. He was overjoyed and hopeful. She couldn’t remember him but she KNEW him. When he was done, hours had passed and she still had no more than a feeling of him. More disappointment. He didn’t show his own disappointment as he said goodnight and left the tent. She needed to rest again and everything was just too much right now.  
That night, instead of sleeping, Bellamy could do nothing more than toss and turn. Stewing in his own feelings, anger bubbling to the surface, ready to explode like a volcano. The next morning was no better.  
“How the hell am I supposed to sit back and have a life while she has lost everything but hers?” He was yelling at Murphy, trying to make some sense of it all.  
“Well unless you have the answers to unlock her brain and get her memory back, there is nothing else you can do. It’s not like we haven’t tried. We have given her all of our stories. Everything we can think of to fill in the gaps for her but it’s like her mind is locked up and not only do we not have a key but there is no key hole for a key. It has to come from the inside out maybe? I don’t know. Look, we all love her, different than you but we do. We all want her back, no different than you. None of us have the answers. All we can do is try to help her cope with starting over completely. I am sure Gabriel would agree with us that is the only thing we can do. Clarke’s mind has to do the hard work and Gabriel’s not sure her mind can do it. Suck it up like the rest of us.”  
“Screw that nonsense and everyone that agrees with that. I’m out of here.”  
“Bellamy! Where are you going to go?”  
“Just … I need to walk it off, for now.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How would anyone cope with a loss like that?


	10. The End

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There is no more after this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bellamy gets to confess.

The End   
Bellamy started to walk, aimlessly at first but then he turned direction and headed for the anomaly. At least where the anomaly had been. None of them had been back since Clarke sacrificed herself. For some reason he oriented on the centre. This was the last place he saw her. Saw Clarke as Clarke, not the empty woman who occupied Clarke’s body. That’s what it was really. Just like Josephine, but not. The more he tried to accept it the angrier he got. Clarke, not Clarke. He had spoken to Echo after the incident but they both had come to the conclusion that it wasn’t fair to either of them to stay with each other. Bellamy would always want to be with Clarke and Echo deserved to be with a man that wanted to be with her, not someone else. So now he was only torturing himself with the hope that he would get to be with her. Finally. But now, she knew him in feeling only, what did that mean. She didn’t remember him at all. She couldn’t even say that the ‘feeling’ was love. What did that mean? Why couldn’t she just come back. He began to cry. He found himself doing that a lot these days. She was awake for nearly 5 days now and still nothing. How much longer would it take? Would it ever, would she ever, come back to him? He was on his knees now, staring up, but he didn’t believe in god so he hung his head instead. In front of his knees was a stone. No, not a stone but a sphere like object. It was small though, no bigger than a couple acorns or a few jobi nuts. It captured his attention because it had symbols on it, symbols like on the orb they activated in the cave. It seemed to glow ever so softly. He tried to remember the order of the symbols. It was dangerous to say the least but it couldn’t be worse than the way things were now. He didn’t think about how selfish the thought was, he just wanted Clarke back. He was about to try the sequence when his anger boiled over once again and instead, he leaned forward and with the but of his knife, smashed it. All of a sudden there was a blinding flash, a wave of light shooting up and out from the orb. Bellamy was knocked out.  
When Bellamy woke up, he was disoriented but he could tell that some time had passed. He wasn’t sure how much though. He was laying on his side and in front of him was the few pieces of the thing he broke. He didn’t know what to call it but it didn’t seem to matter now did it?  
“Well, well, sleepyhead, it’s about time you woke up.” The speaker was behind him but the voice … oh so familiar. He swung around as he sat up.  
“Clarke? What are you doing here? Bellamy was still dazed and confused and wasn’t really sure why she would be all the way out here, so far from the camp.  
“Well, when I woke up, everyone else was knocked out and no one seemed to be waking up. You were the only one I could see that was missing so I came looking and my feet led me here, to you.”  
“What do you mean everyone was knocked out?”  
“Well, I mean everyone was knocked out, as in alive but unresponsive. I was worried about you being missing so I came looking.” There was something oddly familiar about her tone.  
Bellamy started to stare at Clarke. Eyes questioning. Was this Clarke, really Clarke, his Clarke? “How did you find your way here ‘princess’?”  
Clarke looked at him and gave a little smirk before she answered. “you know, when you first started calling me that, I hated it because you used it in a way that made my skin crawl. Finn meant it in a slightly condescending way when he first used it but you put all your hatred of the upper class behind it when you used it. So, at first, I hated it. After a while, it grew on me and then later, I started to like it, right before you stopped using it. It seemed like you stopped saying it like you hated me but I can’t put my finger on what changed really. The partnership we started to develop, respect maybe? After you stopped using it, I started missing it. Why did you stop calling me ‘princess’?”  
Thank God! God? Huh. Anyways, it was definitely her. Bellamy held his excitement in. After all, they could be dead right now, he wasn’t sure how he felt about that yet. “It stopped annoying you, it stopped having the desired affect, so I stopped using it.” His turn to smirk now. “Clarke? Are we dead?”  
“I don’t know. I’m not sure it matters though. We are together and that’s what counts, right?” Bellamy nodded in his usual thoughtful manner. Shall we head back then and see if anyone else is awake?”  
“Sounds like a plan.” He got up and brushed himself off. Clarke took his hand as they started to walk back. They didn’t get very far when Bellamy suddenly stopped and turned to Clarke. “I think you should know something. I found and read the letter you wrote to me. I’m sorry, it had my name on it so I read it.” He braced for Impact.  
Clarke took a deep breath. “It seems I have no more secrets to keep from you Bellamy Blake. I’m not going to take it back if that’s what you’re waiting for. I’ve been holding it in for so long that I had to get it out. And now that you know, is it good news, bad news or just news? How do you feel about knowing it?”  
“I hope it doesn’t surprise you too much to know that I love you. I have loved you almost as long as I can remember knowing you. At some point I went from hating you, to respecting you and then to falling in love with you. I was already in love with you when I found you tied up in that basement. And when you chose to stay with Lexa, it hurt more than I can say. I had a girlfriend at the time, I don’t think you ever met her. Gina. She was a good person but wasn’t the woman I wanted to be with. She wasn’t you. I hated you then. That you wouldn’t come back with me. I still loved you though. We never seemed to have the right timing though. You fell in love with Lexa, then after, you were still grieving her, so I never said anything. There were so many times that we talked and I tried to say something but you always seemed to stop me. And then Praimfaya separated us. I was up on the ring, all alone and eventually I let Echo in. She helped me grieve for you and let you go. And now. Well she knows I found the letter and read it. She and I have decided it would be best for us not to be together. She deserves better than that. So, I am ready, willing and able to be with the woman I am in love with. If she will have me. I don’t think I have any more secrets from you either Clarke Griffin.”  
They made their way back to the camp, and no one seemed upset or surprised when they arrived hand in hand. Raven was the first to comment.  
“About time you nerds!”  
Echo came to them right away too. “I am glad that you have finally found each other at the right time.” She hugged them both. “Now it’s my turn to find someone for me.”  
Clarke and Bellamy thanked her and continued on to the tents. There were more offhanded comments, mostly stupid ones from Murphy but then came Octavia.  
“You finally did it brother. You found your way to true love. Don’t get me wrong, Echo was good to you, good for you, but she isn’t Clarke. No one could have replaced her. And I am glad to see you both finally realizing who you are to each other. Go on now, Madi hasn’t seen that you are back Clarke. Oh, one more thing. I have been talking with her a bit while you two were gone and well … there is something you should know. Or at least try to do for her. And for me too I think.”  
Clarke sighed, bracing herself for the imminent request. “What would that be?”  
Octavia smiled as big as Bellamy had ever seen her do before. “She would like a baby brother or sister and I would like a niece or nephew!”   
They both started to laugh out loud as Clarke said “we’ve been together for less than an hour and already you want us making kids for you guys?”  
Then from behind “actually I think that you have known each other for almost 132 years. Don’t you think it’s about time you got to work on the babies? Can we do a wedding first thought?” Madi was very excited at the prospect. She had never been to one before.  
“I do recall Emori’s acceptance of a proposal from me first though!” Murphy couldn’t help but throw that out there.   
“Can we just have a few weeks together first please!?” Bellamy was a little impatient with every one and started to drag Clarke off to be alone with her again. They hadn’t even kissed yet and he couldn’t wait any longer. As soon as they were in one of the tents alone, he asked her “Can I kiss you now?”  
She didn’t give him an answer but came up to meet his lips instead. Here at the end of everything, they would start their lives over again. This time they would be together.

The end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's it folks. I hope you liked it. Be kind if you didn't. I found writing hard.

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first work and I don't know if I will continue but feel free to comment or criticize. I am a huge Bellarke fan but I do not hate any other ships and I think that there is definitely something there. Ever watch the show with the sound off?


End file.
